Girl meets
boy, and life seems so sweet. Now that he is in her life, no one else
exists. All day he is the number one feature of her daydreams; the star
of the show. She checks her Facebook to see if he has posted on her
wall; and her gaze is always lowered… right on to her phone, checking
for his messages. She is his queen, and he is her king. He cherishes
her, adores her and cares for her in
every way possible. She says she cannot live without him, and with a
twinkle in his eyes, he says he feels the same way. She wonders, is this
real?
So romantic, right?
Sure, If her Prince Charming happens to be her husband.
And if not?
She risks losing her reputation, her self-respect, her modesty, her Iman… and worst of all, her akhirah is in grave danger.
One of the
most evil crisis’ to come upon the Ummah is that of dating and
inappropriate contact between the genders. Whether we are aware of it or
not, these relationships are rampant, hidden behind deleted messages
and secret hook-ups. Evil surrounds these relationships- from loss of
reputation and destruction of modesty, to outright zina and abortion.
*What if it’s too late you ask?
It’s never
too late to turn to Allah. This article is not about the fiqh of gender
interaction (references for that at the end of the article). This is
just some advice from one sister to another, to every girl who has
non-Mahram “friends” with whom she freely chats to; every girl who
sincerely wants to marry for the sake of Allah, but has found herself
falling in to the haram in her quest; to all my sisters out there who
make excuses as to why they can’t keep it halal. Let be real with
ourselves, inshaAllah.
Excuses for Free-mixing and Dating – Let’s be real
*But we love each other!
Yes, you
might love each other, but isn’t Allah more deserving of your love? Of
course you say, knowing full well that Allah deserves your love above
everybody and everything else.
are some who
take (for worship) others besides Allah as rivals (to Allah). They love
them as they love Allah. But those who believe, love Allah more (than
anything else)…. (Surah Al Baqarah 2:165)
Are you
using His blessings (sight, speech, movement, intelligence, beauty) to
disobey Him? If you love, deeply, truly – Allah – than love everybody
else in ways that please Him. Get married if possible, since that is the
cure for those in love.
Narrated
Abdullah ibn Abbas : Allah’s Messenger (peace be upon him) said, “You
have seen nothing like marriage for increasing the love of two people.’
Ibn Majah transmitted it.
Tip: If
marriage is not an option, have sabr and don’t transgress the limits set
by Allah for fleeting feelings. InshaAllah your time will come, and the
fire of regret will burn deep in your heart if you fell in to haram
while you were seeking the Halal.
*We only talk on the phone/Facebook/text, Isn’t that ok?
Short answer, no.
You might
have pure intentions, hoping to get to know each other for the sake of
marriage. The scary fact is, Shaytaan will seize the opportunity if he
sees you approaching a potentially sinful situation. Slowly but surely,
certain things seem more and more acceptable to you, and you could soon
find yourself in a compromising situation that you never would have
thought possible.
Like
quicksand, haram relationships are easy to fall in to and hard to get
out of (mostly because of the emotional toll). If only we heeded the
advice of the One created us, we’d find our lives so much easier.
And do not approach unlawful sexual intercourse. Indeed, it is ever an immorality and is evil as a way. (Al Isra 17:32)
Tip: Don’t
even come close to zina- can the advice be any clearer? What starts off
“innocently” can lead to zina. Trust that Allah is looking out for your
best interest. Begin what you intend to do the right way, so that what
follows is right, inshaAllah. If what begins right, ends right, we can
hope for the “right” abode in the akhirah – Jannah.
*But we’re getting married, eventually!
In a
nutshell – until the imam pronounces you as man and wife – he is to you
as every other man is. Would you consider is ok to call Carlos from
accounting and have a chat about your favorite movies? Is it ok to meet
Imam Bilal at the movies? Late night phone calls and meet ups are
off-limits, unless your wali is in on the situation like butter on
bread.
Sisters,
don’t be fooled in to thinking everything is sweet just because he
manned up and proposed (or promised to propose). By Allah, there are
girls who give up their dignity, with promises of marriage, and I’m
talking about really giving it up. They lost their ‘izza for nothing
more than promises and feeling lovey dovey – only to find themselves
dumped, or in a miserable marriage to someone who doesn’t fear Allah,
because they were too love-blind to see the red flags. A real man isn’t
one who can get the girls, a real man is one who fears Allah, especially
when emotions are high.
*But he wont want me if we don’t communicate.
Think of
your (future) husband as an advocate of your deen – i.e. the closest
person to you that will encourage you toward good and steer you away
from sin. If this guy fails to encourage piety from the outset, what is
it that you are seeking from him?
If the guy
you want to marry pressures you to communicate with him outside of your
wali, he’s forcing you in to a corner. On one hand, you want to protect
your izza and your Iman. On the other hand, is him. Does that sound like
a good deal to you?
Your wali is
there for a reason (actually, quite a few reasons). He is supposed to
deal with your suitors, and act as a chaperone, to avoid any haram
contact.
Tip: Utilise
your wali to safeguard your Iman, hopefully attaining barakah in your
marriage by doing things in accordance to Islam. Don’t taint your future
marriage by planting the seeds of haram, because eventually you will
have to reap them.
*I can’t find anyone else but him.
As for those
who fear they can’t find anybody else, may Allah send you a righteous
brother soon, Ameen. It’s tempting to cling on to the first decent guy
that shows interest, but don’t settle for anyone who makes you
compromise your Deen.
Tip: Be
upfront with all suitors. Let them know your wali will be present at all
times during the pre-marital meeting. Make sure your wali understands
his role properly, which isn’t to keep a brick wall between you and your
intended, but to act as your guardian. There are no excuses for being
in seclusion (khalwa) with a non-Mahram for the sake of getting to know
them.
Narrated
Umar ibn al-Khattab: Rasulullah (SAW) said, “Whenever a man is alone
with a woman the Devil makes a third.” (Al-Tirmidhi 3118)
But everyone else is doing it.
I find it
appropriate to repeat the words of my mother, and just about everybody
else’s mother, “If everybody jumps off a bridge, will you jump too?”.
Cliche, sure, but they had a point. Just because other people are
engaging in haram, it doesn’t make it ok for you to follow. You’ll only
add to your bad deeds, and theirs too. What if the same people you
choose to follow in this life, turn out to be the ones you have no
choice but to follow in the next? And what of these same people are
thrown into fire – what will your situation be?
Tip: Keep
good company, stay amongst people who understand the seriousness of
disobeying Allah and His messenger sal Allahu alayhi wa salaam. Reflect
on the famous Hadith of the perfume and the blacksmith:
Narrated Abu
Musa: Allah’s Apostle said, “The example of a good companion (who sits
with you) in comparison with a bad one, is like that of the musk seller
and the blacksmith’s bellows (or furnace); from the first you would
either buy musk or enjoy its good smell while the bellows would either
burn your clothes or your house, or you get a bad nasty smell thereof.”
…(Ṣahih al-Bukhārī)
Good friends
are invaluable. A good friend will advise you to have sabr and wait for
a suitable situation to come up. A bad friend will encourage you to
disobey Allah for a meaningless romance. The difference between such
companions is literally the difference between Jannah and Jahannam.
Choose wisely, and find success, inshaAllah.
But it’s too late to keep it halal.
So you’ve already commenced haram contact and you feel like its too late to stop. Fortunately, you’re wrong.
The contact
between you may have become inappropriate, it doesn’t have to stay that
way. Perhaps Shaytaan got the better of you, and he might have won a few
battles, but it doesn’t mean he’s won the war. You can make it halal,
but you have to make a sincere effort.
1. Within
yourself, make it clear that you are ‘making it halal’ for the sake of
Allah. This is vital! You need to be clear about what your goal is, and
stay steadfast, because Shaytaan is going to attack you from very angle.
Repentance is key – you need to seek forgiveness, regret, and abstain
from the sin. The great news is, that you have a Lord who is Ar-Rahman
(The Compassionate), Al-Ghaffar (The Pardoner), Al-Afuw (The Forgiving),
Al Halim (The Kindly).2. Give the number of your wali to this guy, if
you’re serious about marriage. If not, break contact immediately. Either
you’re heading for marriage or you’re not. Good Muslims are not
‘players’ – so don’t play around.
By shunning
the evil of free mixing and dating, you are reviving a sunnah, and
setting a trend of modesty and piety, in a world riddled with evil
desires and dangerous sins. Don’t underestimate the worth of clinging to
the Deen, regardless of whose love you lose…
Because a
Muslimah Queen like you deserves to be loved and cherished in ways that
please Allah, Whose love we cannot live without. And that’s real.
Say, “O My
servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do not
despair of the mercy of Allah . Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed,
it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful.” (39:53)
