O Allah. Here I am again.
Sinful as yesterday. Depressed as the other day. Ungrateful as 30 minutes ago.
O Allah. What is wrong with me? I can’t seem to breathe properly.
Too much pain, overflowing tears.
Pillow moments, fragile scars, excruciating regrets.
I cry so much it already pains my eyes.
And now, I can’t even think straight, hurting is too abrupt, too rapid. It just kills everything inside.
What a shame, the heart calls his name, but not His Name.
Then I ask, why am I in such pain?
_____
There, there, sweet soul.
Cry out the pain, cry out the regrets, cry out everything. But cry it out all to Allāh, not to anyone else.
Qadr. It may seem to be such a simple word but like love it has great impact, has so much to tell about a person who gets to experience it.
When we part ourselves from the Qur'ān, we also part “a part of us” from Allāh, and when we part from Allāh, we part from a protection that specializes in our hearts.
Our hearts need reminders, it’s just like our bodies that need food, it also needs Qur'ān, everyday.
Parting away from the Qur'ān, is a stage of welcoming depression, anxiety and all these negative feelings. Qur'ān indeed is our heart’s protection.
We always fail to realize that this very protection is and will always be the one that would heal us and rejuvenate our souls at the end of every pain we get from this dunya.
So how to cope up? How to let go of the pain?
Don’t let it go, embrace the pain that will make you a better and wiser person. Don’t keep telling people about what you feel, but tell Allāh.
Remember the pain of the Sahabah RA when the Prophet ﷺ passed away, this pain that you have is not even an inch of what they had to go through, but look how Allāh protected and guided them.
They may have lost the Prophet ﷺ but not Allāh.
I myself is going through a lot right now, but indeed do not let such pain break you away from Allāh.
Let me tell you something beautiful that happened few moments before I started this blog entry.
Because in my heart, I told Allāh so much about that person, and He told me, I am Al Mujeeb, the One who responds to prayers.
Then, I told Allāh so much about that person, and He told me again, call upon Me and I will respond to You.
Again, I told Allāh so much about that person, and He told me, who can forgive sins except Him?
So again, I told Allāh so much about that person, and He told me, perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you.
With tears in my eyes again, I told Allāh so much about that person, and He told me, I am with those whose hearts are torn.
Oh Allāh.
Not a moment did you leave me. Not a moment did you not send upon Your Mercy. Forgive me.
So at the end, tears are not for that person anymore but for Allāh, for whom it should always had been.
La Tahzan innAllaha ma'ana.
Indeed, sometimes Allāh places us on situations not to burden and hurt us but actually to remind us that He is in control of everything, that He actually is always there, that upon us is a responsibility for ourselves.
_____
And we pray that Allah eases all our affairs and keeps us all guided and protected. Aameen .
______
Note: When I say He told me, it means that I am reminded of what Allāh says in the Qur'ān. (Only sharing for the sake that it might also help others who are going through the same situation.)
Sinful as yesterday. Depressed as the other day. Ungrateful as 30 minutes ago.
O Allah. What is wrong with me? I can’t seem to breathe properly.
Too much pain, overflowing tears.
Pillow moments, fragile scars, excruciating regrets.
I cry so much it already pains my eyes.
And now, I can’t even think straight, hurting is too abrupt, too rapid. It just kills everything inside.
What a shame, the heart calls his name, but not His Name.
Then I ask, why am I in such pain?
_____
There, there, sweet soul.
Cry out the pain, cry out the regrets, cry out everything. But cry it out all to Allāh, not to anyone else.
Qadr. It may seem to be such a simple word but like love it has great impact, has so much to tell about a person who gets to experience it.
When we part ourselves from the Qur'ān, we also part “a part of us” from Allāh, and when we part from Allāh, we part from a protection that specializes in our hearts.
Our hearts need reminders, it’s just like our bodies that need food, it also needs Qur'ān, everyday.
Parting away from the Qur'ān, is a stage of welcoming depression, anxiety and all these negative feelings. Qur'ān indeed is our heart’s protection.
We always fail to realize that this very protection is and will always be the one that would heal us and rejuvenate our souls at the end of every pain we get from this dunya.
So how to cope up? How to let go of the pain?
Don’t let it go, embrace the pain that will make you a better and wiser person. Don’t keep telling people about what you feel, but tell Allāh.
Remember the pain of the Sahabah RA when the Prophet ﷺ passed away, this pain that you have is not even an inch of what they had to go through, but look how Allāh protected and guided them.
They may have lost the Prophet ﷺ but not Allāh.
I myself is going through a lot right now, but indeed do not let such pain break you away from Allāh.
Let me tell you something beautiful that happened few moments before I started this blog entry.
Because in my heart, I told Allāh so much about that person, and He told me, I am Al Mujeeb, the One who responds to prayers.
Then, I told Allāh so much about that person, and He told me again, call upon Me and I will respond to You.
Again, I told Allāh so much about that person, and He told me, who can forgive sins except Him?
So again, I told Allāh so much about that person, and He told me, perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you.
With tears in my eyes again, I told Allāh so much about that person, and He told me, I am with those whose hearts are torn.
Oh Allāh.
Not a moment did you leave me. Not a moment did you not send upon Your Mercy. Forgive me.
So at the end, tears are not for that person anymore but for Allāh, for whom it should always had been.
La Tahzan innAllaha ma'ana.
Indeed, sometimes Allāh places us on situations not to burden and hurt us but actually to remind us that He is in control of everything, that He actually is always there, that upon us is a responsibility for ourselves.
_____
And we pray that Allah eases all our affairs and keeps us all guided and protected. Aameen .
______
Note: When I say He told me, it means that I am reminded of what Allāh says in the Qur'ān. (Only sharing for the sake that it might also help others who are going through the same situation.)
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